A few reflections on control. Cyndi Rae
My husband Art is more pioneer than settler. I like to read stories of pioneers and all the hardships they faced and overcame. The stories of my Mennonite ancestors sojourns in the Ukraine and their flight to Canada after the Russian Revolution never gets old because it is full of suspense, firing squads, bandits, prison, secret hiding places, and escape. I’m really glad I didn’t have to live this story because I’m a settler at heart. My kids would say I’m a control freak at heart. I like structure and routine. I like most things to remain fairly predictable. Change up my breakfast cereal from time to time, sure, but leave most everything else alone. But that isn’t how life goes.
“I am now convinced that Jesus ability to find a higher order inside constant disorder is the very heart of his message.” (pg.59 Falling Upwards, Richard Rohr)
When I returned to Brazil last fall, this quote began to settle my heart and help me find a place to land in the midst of the constant comings and goings between Brazil and Canada and the ongoing changes in my family. I would say that I had been unsettled for a long time, longing to stop all of the changes and restore order. I’ve even dreamed of returning to a simpler time in my life. Dreamed of finding my way back to something ‘contained’. A life where I feel in charge. But this quote, which resonates with “He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together,” (Colossians 1:17) is bringing peace to my heart.
I have sensed God nudging me to let go of trying to restore order to my life. To renounce control to Him on a regular basis, allows new seeds of trust to take root in me. I am trying to hang onto God through all the constant disorder and reconfiguration, and let Him accomplish all the beautiful things that I can never bring about. Every once and awhile I catch a glimpse of this higher order that He is engineering through the disorder and I know that even while my life may feel like it’s skidding sideways out of control, that He’s at work. I look at the ‘higher order’ He is bringing about and I know that if I continue to lose my life for His sake, I will find it. And that means renouncing control to Him on pretty much a daily basis. Yesterday I made a batch of home made granola cereal. Turned out amazing. At least I have control over one area of my life.