A counterintuitive strategy that works.

One of my strengths is sometimes a weakness. I want everyone to like me. But what do you do when personalities clash? I learned to give gifts, to give people space, and to be nice. Now I am learning to engage in difficult conversations, to listen actively, to speak assertively, and to act on what God calls me to do. Last week I learned a new truth.

Did you know that you can turn an enemy into a friend by asking them to do you a favor?

“This was a phenomenon first observed by Benjamin Franklin . . . [who claimed] that he could easily turn an enemy into a friend with one simple act — asking them for a favor” (King, P., 2017, pp. 29-30).

Social scientists believe there are several reasons why this works.

• You are interacting with the person who you may be avoiding. This helps bring down walls.
• When you ask someone for a favor, this is a subtle form of flattery. You are kind of submitting to the other person’s strength. This is gratifying to the other person.
• People do not naturally do favors for their enemies. King theorized that when someone we don’t like asks us to do them a favor our brain starts telling us, “They are not actually that bad. They have strengths. That is why I am doing them this favor.” Unconsiously we start liking the other person more.
• King stated that it is also helpful to “perform small, subtle favors for your enemies and frenemies. Actively performing favors for others builds goodwill and indicates a willingness to be friendly and open. You are raising the white flag of peace and sending the signal that you don’t harbor any ill will” (pp 34-35).

Jesus teaches that accepting favors from strangers is a way to quickly build trust. ^“Stay there, eating and drinking whatever they give you, for the worker deserves his wages. Do not move around from house to house” (NIV Luke 10:7).

If you want to give the gospel to someone there is a danger that you will establish a power-over relationship. “I know stuff. You don’t. I am saved. You are not.” It is often awkward for people to enter into power-over relationships when they are in the power-under side. As we receive favors from others, this levels the relationship. People are freer to receive what we have to offer if they have done us a favor.

Both Deanna and I grew up in hospitable homes. I remember commenting to my family one time when I was about 15 years old that it was just our immediate family at the table for the first time in a year. We always had guests and boarders, and so did Deanna’s family. When Danny Meyer, Craig Heselton, and many others started bringing teams to Altamira in the 1990s, it felt natural to be hospitable. But as these teams received our hospitality they rapidly became among our best friends, and they remain among our best friends to this day. Doing favors for others, and receiving favors from others, may set the stage for great friendships.

If you have any experience with this, you know it is humbling to receive food and favors from strangers, especially when these strangers struggle financially. I remember meals among the river people where us guests were fed first. We were given the choice selections in the soup pot, and we could eat all we wanted. Later I realized it was because this family only had four plates and spoons, and limited amounts of food in certain seasons. When we studied how to learn a foreign language and culture we were told to leave our backpack with a vendor we barely knew, so the vendor could do us a favor for a hour or so, while we did something else. The teacher said that asking a stranger for help is a way to build trust and become friends. King (2017) noted that it is most helpful to ask for a real favor, one that is somewhere between too big and too insignificant. Receiving is still more awkward than giving for me. Learning to both give and receive is an effective way to turn strangers and enemies into friends.

References
King, P., 2017, The science of likability: 27 studies to master charisma, attract friends, captivate people, and take advantage of human psychology (pp. 29-30). Kindle Edition.

HOMEWORK: This week ask a stranger or an enemy to do a favor for you, one that is genuine, and that will take them about 3 minutes to do. Not too big, not too small. Email me the story at rick.bergen@xingu.org .

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Ways to Plant Churches

In 2002 our family discovered Halo. Anni, Via, Emma, and Bella were all in online school, so they had PCs. We got several Halo discs and spent part of many Family Days learning the various hideouts and ammunition caches in all the different worlds. I remember the delight we had in learning something new, especially as we were all the same skill level. Ten years later we got an Xbox 360 with Halo 4. It was a whole new game and we were in a different space as a family. We rarely played. Then some friends came over who knew this game well. Every time we would show up on the screen, they took us out. Over and over again. They delighted in showing us how much they knew. I suppose theoretically this could have helped us improve our skills, but practically, it was no fun so we quit showing up. Our delight was in learning together and improving our skills together.

Many churches have the same pastors for a long time. These groups grow up together, pastors and congregations. Someday these first generation churches will face the challenge of passing on the baton. They will learn to pastor generational Christians. This is a great and worthy challenge, but it is not what I am talking about here. Nor am I talking about starting a new church Christians who are tired of their old church. I am talking about the challenge of starting brand new church families with people who do not trust the church or Christians.

As we get good at doing church together it is natural for us to want to multiply. We sometimes try to plant mature churches. We bring other experienced Christians with us to help us do things right. I applaud those who do this and this strategy is working well for us. On the other hand, in my experience, this strategy takes significant resources, manpower, and years. And results sometimes fall short of our hopes. And pastors and church leaders can get really tired. Sometimes we even hear the word burnout. Are there other ways to birth new churches?

When we are first starting out in a new area I sometimes wonder, “How can this person be a Christian?” , and then I watched them transform into pastors or missionaries. What if we use the Halo analogy above? When our family played Halo just getting online together was a challenge. It tooks us years to really get the hang of it, but we did finally learn the game well. And we loved the learning.

A Biblical Principle?

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24

Sometimes in our neighbourhood young couples move into a bedroom in their parent’s home. In other cases the parents will discipline their married children by taking away their cell phone, or by scolding them. Obviously this is not ideal in the development of a healthy marriage. What if these parents and inlaws can learn to give their children space and grace to figure things out, all the while prayerfully standing by to put on bandaids and to celebrate victories. I remember in the 1990s some of our pastors were offensive to us missionaries. Maybe they were shouting from the pulpit, or chauvinistic, or leading in a style that did not feel Vineyard to us. We would ask our mentors, “What about so-and-so? Here is what he is doing.” We still try to follow our mentor’s awesome advice. “Don’t prune the plant too early. Focus on whether they are trying to walk with the Holy Spirit in their daily life. Be there to love them.”

Think of a time when you have learned to play a new game, or learned a new life skill with another person. Was it more fun being with a professional who corrected you, or was it more fun getting skilful together with peers? I realize you may like to improve your skills by being corrected, and this article is not for you. But is there anyone out there like me who would rather figure it out with some friends?

If you are the sort who likes to figure things out with your friends, think about an unchurched person or family you know who might be a Person of Peace. Would they be interested to discover how God reveals Himself in His Word? Do you think you could help them set up an environment where they could do this in their comfort zone, with their friends, with no doctrinal or behavioral corrections from you? What do you think might happen?
 
Your thoughts?

rb

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A Request for Help

An urban legend describes church leaders discussing how many angels can simultaneously stand on the head of a pin as the black plague was breaking out in Europe. In Bible School I was told that these early theologians agreed on the number 10,000. While I do not know if this an actual fact, I’ve been in enough meetings in my life to know it is easy to become consumed with irrelevant discussions.

Irrelevant preachers answer questions that nobody has. When approached about why they do this, they sometimes respond, “This is important. People should care about this.”  Three of the things I pay attention to, in my quest for relevance, are framing, timing, and presence.

Framing: Relevant speakers learn to frame their important topics using personal examples of how this worked – or didn’t work – for them. They make themselves vulnerable as they share their journey. “This is what the Bible says. Here is my experience, hope, fear, etc. Here is my friend’s experience.”

Timing: Relevant speakers use examples and illustrations that are integrated with the season their audience is living in.

Presence: Relevant speakers have spent enough personal time with the Lord that His presence exudes out of them. They know that God wants to make Himself known to His people so they relax and trust God to do His part.

Matthew 13:52 He said to them, “Therefore every teacher of the law who has become a disciple in the kingdom of heaven is like the owner of a house who brings out of his storeroom new treasures as well as old.”

Relevant speakers address questions that matter to their audience. The topic and views are interesting. They cause reactions. Positively. Negatively. Confusion as assumptions are challenged.

A Request for Help

Personalizing this idea: I moved to Brazil in 1993. During that time I have changed and you have changed. I would like to stay relevant.

If any of my articles causes a positive, negative, or confusing reaction in you, please do me a favor and let me know. Is there something you are curious about? Please let me know. Reactions are good. They help me know when I am resonating, striking a nerve, or out of touch.

Thanks,

rb

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